The first week after moving into my new place in Austin I felt depressed. I don’t mean to use that term lightly, maybe existential would be a better use of words.
The days here are short, hot, and full of excitement. After 2 years I’m finally moving in with some of my closest, brightest friends. Friends who I’ve cried with, endured my first two relationships with, those who I hope to build empires with, and friends that I know will be there when I get married and when my first child is born.
The days here are short. We start work at 6 am, collectively feeding off each-other’s energy and wide-eyed excitement for the world in front of us. We run together, we brainstorm together, we recently signed up for the climbing gym nearby (yes i know im allegedly granola, but have yet to climb), and in a way it’s everything we could’ve ever wanted.
However, that deep feeling of emptiness still strikes at 11pm and at 5:30am exclusively. A hidden feeling and part of myself only to be experienced within the most isolating parts of the day.
I started posting to YouTube seriously in October of 2021. Back then, I was surrounded by peers who had already achieved the milestones I could only dream of. Print-outs of silver play buttons plastered my bedroom walls through my adolescent years. That was the goal.
Yet, everywhere I looked I was often fore-warned of the dangers of placing so much value and weight on a singular objective. Forewarnings of empty feelings once hitting a milestone popped up at every youtube-podcast corner that I voraciously consumed.
1 year later I reached 100,000 subscribers.
and so, you can imagine my surprise when I felt everything. It was one of the best days of my life. A milestone burnt into my mind through 10 years of working and the pit that all had warned about wasn’t present. There was no empty feeling in my soul, no “this is it” moment, no soul-searching that had to be had.
The days here are short. And I’m beginning to understand that my compass was off. See I thoroughly believed that the main goal I had in my life was to reach 100,000 subscribers, to become a YouTuber, to travel the world.
But, now that I’m here in Austin. I’m coming to understand that maybe the real dream all along was to live together with these guys. To build businesses together, to create videos together, and to share a physical space as we tried to navigate our early 20s. To not feel as lonely as I once was.
The days here are short, and now in my naivety I see what those fore-warnings were about. Maybe this is it.