The past week arrived with two realizations. The first was that I’ve now accomplished everything I dreamed of when I was 17, and the second was that it’s been 10 months since I made something I’m genuinely proud of.
Yes - admitting that all dreams have been fulfilled could be perceived as being cocky or overly-confident-beyond-social-norm, but the truth is it’s a fact. I’m currently writing this entry on 8 PM on Thursday, riding a train to the eastern border of France - this is way more than what I could have ever imagined life looking like at 22.
Today officially marks one year since I decided to drop out of college. A full leap into the unknown, a trust fall with those around me and my own ability to make this creative thing work. The past year was spent learning how to be a professional creator - to do all the YouTuber things (keep a consistent upload schedule, post some passion projects, but prioritize being able to pay rent)
A full year painfully learning how to drop my pretentious “artist” act at times and find room to compromise. A new chapter to move across the country, start paying my own bills, and plant my own roots in a new community. For the first time in this chapter of my life - the focus began to shift away from the act of creation to life itself.
As you can predict - this all works well until you quickly find yourself offering up small pieces of your soul with every brand deal, compromise, and accelerated deadline. You must both balance extracting small pieces of your own creative spirit with finding wells to fuel yourself from. A reminder that deep below everything you find yourself involved in now - lies a strong curiosity and passion towards creating art that moves people. A flame that must remain stoked above all else. You don’t just forget to feed your golden-egg-laying-rooster.
This past week, we hosted a Creator Camp event in the countryside of France - our first international event with around 30 artists, musicians, creatives, & film-makers. If I’m being honest, the more and more events we host the more difficult it becomes to find energy to participate. An infinite struggle between staying present and curating an incredible experience. However, it was during a workshop hosted by my friends Anya and Emma that I had a brief moment of elation. We sat there, out on the front lawn of the Chateau - journaling about our own inner critics. The idea was to dig deep into the thoughts that prevented us from creating freely. It was during this workshop that I came to clearly understand that my greatest fears all surrounded the fact that the best works of my career existed in the past. That there were no stories left for me to tell. That at 22, I’ve become washed up - without the same burning passion I once contained.
It was a scary feeling - almost like a form of imposter syndrome. I’d go the entire week seeing all these creative folks running around with their cameras, drawing, painting, wondering where the same drive had gone. I miss that feeling. A year or two ago I would be all over telling this story, creating films, writing poetry, but now there’s nothing there. Nothing to pull from. Nothing driving me forward.
Yes this is a pity party. But in all honesty, I think this conversation is an important one to be had.
As the week continued on, we began to introduce the theme of collaboration - where each attendee would get partnered up to create something to share with the entire group by the end of the week. Ethan and Bibi Jane decided on creating a piece of work revolving around the idea of “outgrowing your dreams” and it really stuck with me. For the past 10 months I’ve been floating in this gray space of comfort. Being able to create videos as a “professional”, but rarely giving myself the space to innovate and feel the spark again. By the end of the week it became clear to me that I was still existing as if the dreams had not been fulfilled, stumbling down the same path because it had become all I knew - easy.
This past week taught me that it’s up to us individually to create new dreams and push ourselves in new directions within our own creative pursuits. We began this journey out of pure passion and curiosity. While the same open-eyed-wonder may not be replicated innately, there is so much out there still left to be said. You must lean into becoming a pure beginner again, tinkering to find that spark or else you’ll suffer the fate of existing in this comfortable middle ground of mediocrity - with full knowledge that you are so much more capable.
What’s the point of knowing how to play the game, but in the end not prioritizing creating things that you truly care about and know will move people? I mean wasn’t that the whole point of this entire journey - to create works of art that move people, that change perspectives, and that create a more empathetic internet. Being an artist is constant evolution and it’s the ability to continually express yourself even if you reach the apex that you had looked up to all along.
To those who resonate - remember, there is a point where you’ll question if you still have greatness inside of you, if your best works are behind you and if you’ve finally run out of things to say. I guess this journal entry was a reminder, selfishly, to myself that you are fucking 22, the end of line isn’t here, nor are you destined to live in this gray space of mediocrity, but to tell beautiful stories that drive meaning into the digital cosmos.
I’m currently working on my Project Europe video, the long awaited sequel of project west, that will release sometime late this year, but in the meantime I’m planning on completely changing and rebrand the direction of where this channel is going.
And most importantly, I also want to make the promise to everyone reading/watching this now that nothing will come from this youtube channel unless it’s something I’m proud of and know will have a genuine impact on those that watch it.
Much love
-Simon